|
| Oh my- lemme say this is most strange. i feel like a little kid playing with his toy from ages ago. Old- but still good. Little worn out- but still offers the basic things. This is xanga. Oh my- oldies are goodies in all my days. Old music- old friends- new friends that seem like old friends- old souls- old fashioned food- oh my- vintage seems good to me- until it has no uses. so i suppose i am glad that xanga is still just as awesome as i left it.
facebook is the new and it offers alot of the same. but we're not here to talk about that.
let's talk about how long it has been. it's been almost a year since i used xanga and it is strange. it's fun to reread these things and wonder- "what was i thinking?" ohhhh "that's what i was thinking...."
how silly we must seem from such a long time ago yet not so long ago. Change happens in little ways- and then we find that when we look back- we've trudged all the way up the mountain. It's a strange feeling indeed to simply leave markers in our lives- then realize that when we look back- each step- although small- has lead us farther and farther along in the journey. i suppose that's why when we look back at our former selves- we find that many things about us have changed- many things have not- and yet....we're still going through changes. so many things can happen within so many years.
things that have changed- circumstances, life stages, life situation, whatevers, body, eyesight, friends that i can look back on- and wonder....well....we were just here to hang out....nothing wrong with that....but alot of the less important things seem to have changed i suppose.
things that have not changed- now this is stranger to quantify b/c...well i'll explain briefly.
good friends- although i may not have known they were- they stood the test of time....character and integrity and loyalty and goodness are all attributes i have grown and singled out as important...more than most other things. some friends i was never real close to in spending time with or doing things with or hanging out- but always were appreciated bc of who they were and are. i know them to be loyal and good people who don't just fold when life is tough. but they have stood the test of time and persevered. they were like seeds to me when i met them- and in the right time- God brought them to become giant sycamores in my life- bearing fruit like the ageless fruit in the botanical gardens.
myself- the important parts of me are still there. i have learned to focus on my good parts- and neglect the bad. trusting my gut and my heart and focusing less on being safe and logical. it never got me anywhere- except more afraid of failure. to this day- i am a gambler- i put my money where it's best to win- but i also have developed this scary intuition to see past the immediate- and believe in the future. optimism? hardly. i call it....dumb luck- i just happen to be luckier than others....which begs the question- is it really luck? i've just come to see that although we need to be faithful in all things we do- and take good care and be responsible....risk is always one of the most important things in realizing a dream- and struggling with a very real tension of failure often keeps me on my toes and striving towards my dream. it means i'm getting close.
there is so much to realize and reflect on for this year. i do this often- this reflecting and wondering whether what could have been and what could have not been. i don't do it aimlessly....but i allow my mind to wander. i try not to beat myself up and wander in circles- but sometimes- letting yourself daydream is so important to letting creativity grow and allowing you to understand yourself. we can only put so many things into words- but when we can understand our hearts- how we feel....how things make us feel- why they do....we start to see who we really are....we are more open to good things in our lives- simply b/c we are more accepting of ourselves and we let our guard down.
good people are the ingredient to success in my life- they provide love in ways i could never imagine- and in ways i never thought i would appreciate. although my own will and my own determination have brought me so far- the ones that mattered believed in me- supported me- understood me- did not try to "please" me- and were always themselves. we were never afraid to get in each others' faces but yet never afraid to look weak and say sorry either. you can tell alot about someone by the friends they keep- by the friends they are drawn to- by the friends they are making. so i wonder what people see when they see me around my friends- the ones i keep and the ones i am still in touch with- keeping close- and keeping afar.
i'd describe it as....romantic...i am nostalgic yet practical- unafraid and social- but ultimately...- i'm more about quality over quantity- depth over breadth and eternity over immediate.
rome wasn't built in a day. i can be proud of who i am b/c of certain consistent choices i made in my life. the small ones added up- and i could make bigger ones. but making tough decisions always started out with the small ones.
God is bigger in my life than i ever thought was possible, and yet, i am only scratching the surface in dealing with my own brokenness and issues with intimacy, committment, love, friendship. integrity, loyalty, doing the right thing, wanting the right thing, wanting the good things in my life, choosing life over death- the works.
cheers.
| | |
| Nothing doing but will summarize a little about life...not from some wise dood who has it all....but a blue collar jigga who struggles alot....and i mean alot
so to summarize the past couple months. What have i been up to? Not much i hafta say. But just plainly adjusting, and not just adjusting but transforming. In alot of ways, patience is one of the worst and best virtues to have. It can be the best because it will help you endure times of boredom, but at the same time, it has been my lack of patience that has forced me to make a life here up in norcal...and not just a visit.
It takes about 3 weeks to get over the initial shock of being in a different place. The excitement and the newness wears off and you slowly begin to sink into it....much like breaking in a new sofa...it warms up and begins to mold itself to your butt. Then comes the waiting game. Much like in 2nd grade when i grew alfalfa in a little bucket of dirt for our 2nd grade class, it's much like that. You are waiting for something to happen. waiting for a new root to blossom and take root...waiting for the leaves to unfold. All very boring stuff, and although still excited by the anticipation of something new, it is all very very boring and slow.
And thus is life at this point....i feel a little awkward being up in norcal. It is home, but yet not really. Rather than just using the plant analogy, i have always been responsive to certain types of soil. Not sure how, but i tend to be a rather finicky sort of plant. Let's just say i'm an anteater just scurrying around because i'm blind like a bat just rummaging for food and scurrying for the next meal. You go into a sort of malaise in which you can't focus. That's a huge thing....when things need to be figured out....everything is a mess. My mind is mixed up, trying to understand what i'm supposed to be doing....what i want to be doing...where's my money....stuff like that...it falls into your material life and physical life as well. People are not fat because they like being fat...it's the issue that is behind the fatness. And so...in the same way....my messiness and laziness were a product of my confusion with life. I became confused not just with my career or money....but i also became confused in whether i should make my bed. So i would have conversations with myself and other people about whether i should make my bed. What's the point in making it if i just need to sleep in it again. Is it that important? Maybe not. But it was a reflection of where my mind was at.
So that's that...the couple of months, coupled with short moments of happiness and short moments of sadness....none of which makes a huge difference. Nothing really is important anymore because in light of family and people....nothing else is that important. If i have a nice car but i can't share it....it means little to me. If i win at chess...it's no fun unless i can gloat. If i beat someone at scrabble...it's no fun unless I beat someone and then we go share some ice cream....on the loser. Those are the things that matter. Just hanging out. I've realized i'm so boring. I wouldn't mind living in a small town...as long as i don't live there by myself. I am sure that if i were married and had a litter of kids and children, being around my family would never get old. I'm pretty much like that now. All i do is wait for coffee or wrestling and go from there. Me and friends don't talk too much....all i need to know is that they care about me. and all they need to know is i care about them. when it gets down to it, that's all that is important between two people or peoples. we can talk about weather and sports and what not until we're blue in the face, but beyond the small talk....everyone is just wondering....hey- "are we really friends?"
so the nice little short moments of happiness and short sadness....that's what life has become. but in reality...it's always been about that. when we see people we haven't seen in a long time...we just ask what's new. when that is over...after about 10 minutes....we just hang out and continue to live life. but being together is huge...and probably the most important. people don't want gifts or whatevers....people really want the presence. that's a huge important thing though. wanting presence over presents. I heard it in a sermon but in truth i said that when i was 7. i just got reminded of it. so anyways, that is that. people are everything. That's my life...and always has been. so if i'm boring....or if u get bored easily...maybe the simple things and important things in life are being overlooked. It's just time to get back to the basics because all the other stuff....well.....it all falls by the wayside.
| | |
| In many instances, the past will somehow kick you in the butt and not let you forget certain things.
In this certain instance, I can see how my family from my mom's side has been constructed in a way in which the family is the most important, and yet providing enough freedom for people to explore their own lives in their own way. Being part of a big family, well...it's part of having a good network of friends to lean on for support. But being supportive doesn't necessarily mean understanding. And we can love completely without completely understanding. ANd we can be completely supportive without being entirely close. And although the bonds between us are stretched....they are still tightly secure, because as family, nobody wants to let go....something about family.
but anyways, i'm also talking about extended family and friends...
although far away, i often think about people often. i pray for them. i see them almost like hallucinations in my everyday life. and i am often alone....but yet don't feel alone. just feels far away....and removed like a distant memory. but those bonds still exist...and when i see them....for myself....i make every effort to connect again....because i am so eager to see who they were...and who they are quickly becoming. nothing stays the same....yet when all is said and done....everyone is as i remember them....with a few tweaks here and there....
| | |
| So ever see those movies where people dreaming?
I realized i'm like Calvin in Calvin and Hobbes
i live half in and half out...but i teeter on the edge of it all....being realistic about many things, but very half baked about other things. i may seem out of it when i talk to people and i can always be seen staring off into space not looking like i'm all there. even when i'm watching tv sometimes, i have this blank stare and it's almost like a surreal moment in which i'm not really connected to myself, and i go...."oops" and i jump back in....not quite sure how it's possible to watch tv and have an out of body experience and all the while, my dream world is exceptionally vivid.
so i've given up watching tv...unless it's basketball or espn or something real...because all the other shows, the reality shows with all the hyped up drama and everything...well...it's all fantasy...and i dream up better things to day dream about anyways.
So speaking of dreaming.....
Starbucks girl....does not exist i think...i saw this girl once and i thought it was enough...but more to make a point to myself that opportunities don't come often...and sometimes you just gotta hold onto it....even if the only way is to spend obscene amounts of money of coffee or to ask a total stranger what's her name...where she's from...if she digs you...you know. all seems mighty pretentious to me. i have given up my search...although i still go back only with a sliver of curiosity just to see if God will oblige me. I do it for the people. But mainly because my life seems obscenely interesting to everyone else...except myself.....i always thought these things happen to everyone...but maybe nobody takes them as far as i do....well....what can i say....my life is way more interesting than a TV show.
so i've given up on that fantasy.
but like any good dreamer....i have bunches.....
and.....i tend to follow them
| | |
|
